Being Deaf and Having Friends

Although I am deaf, my daughter who is 12 is hearing. Watching her grow up makes me think back to when I was her age. One of my daughter's favorite things to do is talk on the phone. It's usually to one of two of her girlfriends. Her one friend just happens to be the daughter of one of my good friends. My friend is also deaf but her daughter is hearing. Our daughters met when they were 3 years old at Deaf camp and are growing up together as CODAs (Children of Deaf Adults). While we do not live near each other, the girls see each other at least once a month at the various activities we have with our churches and deaf ministries.

Anyways... I talk to my friend just about every day via email and I.M. I was commenting to her about how much time our daughters spend on the telephone almost every evening and what in the world did they talk about? It is something my friend and I never experienced when we were 12 years old. Back then (in the 60s and 70s) there were no computers. There were no sidekicks. There were no VideoPhones. There were no TTYs. We didn't even have captioned TV growing up. So.. how did we associate with our friends? For myself, I only saw my friends at school. We had no association with each other after school or weekends or during the summer.

Thinking back, I was a pretty lonely kid in school. I did not make friends easily as most of the kids were not patient enough to make the effort to communicate with me. I can only think of one friend I had in elementary school. Her name was Tami. She was not a best friend or anything like that. In fact, I could hardly understand her when she talked but she was someone to hang around with and sit with on the bus. She also had one thing in common with me. She was in the school band. She played the flute. I played the clarinet.

Now how does a deaf girl play a musical instument? Well...that's pretty funny really as I never did actually play it. I was terrible at this. The only benefit I got from playing the clarinet is that it taught me how to read music. So today I can still get a general idea of the tune by reading the notes. I only joined the band for two reasons.. first I wanted to belong to a group. Have something in common with other people. I wanted to prove to people I was "normal" and could do "hearing" things. Secondly, I wanted to go to the football games and have an excuse not to have to work at my father's store every Saturday afternoon for four years.

I was often left out during elementary school years. I would not be called on during class as people couldn't understand me. I would often be one of the last called to join a group if teams were selected. I was one of the larger, taller girls in my class so I had a little bit of athletic ability. I was a little Tom boyish and could play a good game of baseball or dodge ball. In high school I joined the track team for the very same reasons I joined the band. I wanted to be part of a group and I wanted an excuse not to work in my father's store after school every day.

But even though I was part of the band and track team, I still has very few friends in either group. I have a very hard time with group situations (and today I am the opposite and shy from them). I am totally lost with the conversations flowing and I remember sitting on the bus going to the football games and the track meets just staring out the window and was never a part of the group mentality. I was ignored. It amazes me that I never quit either of these groups but was involved until I graduated. I was never a "star" in either of these groups and never really included but I guess its an accomplishment that I stuck it out. I'm not a quitter.

As I think back growing up deaf, I realized that while I had very few, if any, good friends my age, I did associate with adults. I can remember many adults during my growing up years who made an impact on me. They took the time to have one to one conversations with me and helped me with my homework or whatever. I think if adults had not taken the time to befriend me, my childhood would have been a very different story. Yes, I was very lonely growing up but because some adults took an interest in me and gave me one to one attention, I thrived and did as well as any of my hearing classmates in most of my classes.

I will talk more about school years in a future blog. I want to say right now... if you are reading this and know of a deaf child who is growing up in a hearing world, please befriend that child... you just might make a difference in their life. If they lack communication skills, they most certainly are also lacking friends their own age. Children can be very cruel with teasing those who are different. Take the time and give that deaf child some of your attention. Do your best to communicate so the child can understand you. Make him/her feel she is a worthy person and just as good as any hearing person. More than anything, deaf people do not like feeling they are second class citizens and looked down on. We are just as good as hearing people. I proved it growing up deaf in a hearing world.