Being Deaf - Funerals, Relatives and Death

One thing I'm realizing today is that as a deaf child, I never developed a close relationship with anyone while growing up. I think that is a direct side effect of a deaf child growing up in a hearing world. I am thinking about that today because my husband woke me at 4am to let me know that a dear friend of ours lost her father at 1am this morning due to surgery complications.

They are packing and will be driving to VA from MI today. My friend's dad was very organized and already had things prepared in case exactly this happened so my friend's main duty will be to comfort her mother while in VA. I grieve with my friend as I know she had a close relationship with her father. One thing of comfort is knowing her father was saved and someday they will see each other again in heaven. I know that gives her peace.

I will share right now that I am a strong Christian and yes, a believer in Jesus Christ. I was saved and baptized when I was 13. My spiritual beliefs were always important to me and even though I was deaf, I never wandered far from the Lord.

But... thinking about my friend and her dad made me think about my experiences with death and funerals and being deaf at the same time. I have not experienced death much in my life. My four grandparents are now dead and I attended 3 of those funerals. I really don't remember much about them except just sitting there in church in my own little world. Of course, I had no idea what was being said from the pulpit. No one gave me any consideration as far as if I got anything from the service, etc. I was very much ignored. At that time, I did not know sign language. I would try to lipread but after a few minutes, I would see its impossible and give up. I was expected to just sit there and be quiet. I have always had empathy with people. If I see a person crying - I will probably start crying myself - even if I have no idea what they are crying about. That happens watching TV and movies too. So during funerals, I cry because others are crying but for the most part, I didn't have a relationship with the person who died. They were my grandparents, yes, but that's as far as it got. I never had a one to one relationship with any of them. My extended family was large. My mother is the oldest of 13 kids and my dad was one of 7 kids. I never had a relationship with any of my aunts/uncles/cousins/ etc. I would quickly lose count if I tried to count all my relatives and their families.

There were two reasons I had no personal relationships with my relatives. First we didn't live in the same area. My family lived about 45 mins. south. My family would often go to visit a relative on a Sunday afternoon and I remember some of those trips. I remember playing with some of my cousins and going to their homes but we never became friends or stayed in touch with each other. Secondly, it was hard to communicate with them. Kids are hard to lipread and have no patience. We were playmates but never friends. There was no contact at all except for those occasional Sunday visits and summer family reunions. Even today, I have no contact with any of my numerous cousins. I have not seen them in years and not sure if I would know them if we passed each other on the street. I do send some of my aunts/uncles Christmas cards and that is the extent of our relationship.

I didn't experience my first interpreted funeral until my mother in law passed away. The church provided me with an interpreter and that was the first funeral I understood. My sister in law also gave me a copy of what she shared so I could read that later. That was also my first "personal" funeral of a person I did have a relationship with. My mother in law was always very kind to me and showed an interest in my life. I'm sorry we did not have more time together especially since she was the mother of my wonderful husband.

Two years ago two good friends were killed in a car accident. They were the interpreters and Sunday School teachers of the deaf ministry at the church I attended. That was my first "deaf" funeral. Many from the deaf community were at this funeral. I was also part of the deaf choir that signed/sang one of their favorite songs. I cried throughout the whole song. I still miss those two but again, I have the peace of knowing they are in heaven right now and I will see them again when its my time.

It's a bit sad that although I grew up in a huge extended family with many relatives, I did not have a personal friendship with any of them. Just knew them by their names, that's all. They were all hearing with one exception....I do have a deaf cousin who was born hearing but became deaf as a child when she got sick with meningitis. I was in college during those years and never had a relationship with her either. One thing you have to remember is that as a deaf child, I did not have the benefit of using the telephone. Of course in those days there were no computers with email and I.M. either. Only contact was face to face and they were too infrequent to make much difference.

Today my world is different and I have many close relationships with people - both deaf and hearing. I'm so happy now to be involved in other people's lives. It's a little painful to realize how "in the dark" I was as a child... how lost I was...how much I didn't know...how often people didn't care enough to take the time to get to know me...all because I didn't the benefit of hearing it like they did. It was a lonely lfe being a deaf child growing up in a hearing world.