Being Deaf and Different

Growing up deaf in a hearing world meant I grew up in a different world from many other deaf kids. Yes, some of the other kids also grew up in an oral hearing enviroment but the majority of the deaf children back in the 60s-70s when I was in school attended their state Deaf school. The majority of those kids attended the Deaf school Monday to Friday and then went home for the weekend. If they lived too far from the school, they only went home on holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. The school became their family.

I never had that. I was never away from my home or family for long. Every summer I attended our church camp for one week and that was the longest I was away from home. It was a rare thing for me to sleep over at a friend's house. I can only remember once when that happened. I was invited to a slumber party. That was a diaster for me.

I really was not a close friend with the person who invited me. Her name was Susan but I was so excited to actually be invited to go to a friend's house and overnight too! I don't remember much of what we did. What I do remember is the other girls chit chatting in the dark. I have no idea what happens in the dark and of course, being totally bored, I fell asleep and completely missed what the other girls were doing during that night. They never woke me up to include me. I was not missed. They were awake the entire night just talking and fooling around.

I recall the same thing happening during church camp. There would be about 8-10 girls in the cabin. I always picked a top bunk bed. I would be aware of the other girls talking after lights were out but completely not involved. More than once, I have cried myself to sleep feeling sorry for myself not being able to join the others. I hated being different the whole time I was a child until I was in my 20s.

For the most part I could pass as a hearing person but once its dark and the lights are turned off... or a group discussion is started... or just too many people talking at the same time... I become different and become an "outsider". I am no longer involved with the group although I am still there physically.

I had a very bad habit during my younger years of making it look like I was involved. I would pretend to be "listening" - trying to lip-read and trying to catch a word here or there. I would laugh when other laughed but had no idea what they or I was laughing at. I would follow the group but would have no idea where we were going until we got there. I was a fraud. I was passing myself off as a hearing person and was actually doing a very good job at it but in the process I was deeply hurting myself. I was not being truthful to who I was... who God created me to be.

Boy I was mad at God growing up. It was a daily night time prayer for me to beg God to "heal me". I just knew He made a mistake and needed to "fix" it. I would ask that He do a miracle on me while I was sleeping and when I woke up I would be hearing! I would be "normal" and I would NOT be "different" anymore!! That was my dream.

Well, obviously that "miracle" never happened and now that I'm much older, I understand God's purpose for my life. I was meant to be Deaf and God is using me in amazing ways. I no longer pray to be a "hearing" person. Now my prayer is that God use me just the way He created me. I'm not going to ask Him to change who He made me be. He sees the bigger picture and knows my future. He knows I can only serve Him best as a Deaf person.

I will share in a future blog the many different ways God is using me now. I know I would never had had these experiences if I was a "hearing" person so I am blessed. I am happy and I am ever grateful that my childhood prayer of "just wanting to be normal" was a prayer that God did in deed answer. I am a happy deaf person now.